The Journey to Baby Knox - Our IVF Story and Life in Between

I wanted to start off by apologizing for the major delay in writing this blog post. The last few months have been quite the roller coaster of emotions for us and as you read on I am sure you will understand.  I have struggled for a while in not knowing quite what to say or how to word this post. I find it so important to be positive in life. I want to inspire people, not bring them down. But the truth is, positivity has been a bit of a struggle for me lately. Our faith has been put to the test in more ways than one...again. 

Our IVF Journey

In my last post, I was elated to announce that we were preparing for our IVF journey. In mid January, our fees were paid to our doctor, my medications began arriving, and we patiently awaited our first baseline ultrasound. We knew going into this process that it would be a bit tricky. Most people are not going through an IVF with a two month old newborn baby at home, but we felt as though we were doubly blessed to have our sweet foster baby in our life AND have the chance to possibly conceive our baby Knox! With our doctor being in San Francisco (a 45-ish mile drive) and a no children allowed fertility clinic, we were so thankful to have the help of a few amazing friends who were kind enough to be "on call" and watch our sweet Charlotte for my many appointments ahead. 

On January 25th, 2015 our IVF journey had officially begun! I remember sitting in that first appointment, waiting to see my doctor and I cried. Tears of joy flooded my eyes as I thought about every single person that helped us get to that point. Every person that prayed for us, supported us, shared our story and those who donated (big and small) to give us this major blessing! What a journey this had been, and it seemed to be just beginning. As I heard footsteps outside of the door, I quickly dried my eyes and tried to compose myself. Then my doctor walked in and gave me a hug saying that she was really happy that we were able to get to this point and that she was hoping and praying for the best for us. I cried again as I thanked her for all she had done and told her how incredibly excited and thankful we were to have been given this chance. The chance we never thought we would get. The baseline ultrasound showed that everything was "ready" and I got the green light to start the stimulation meds that night. The nurse gave me my calendar and a huge bag of stimulation medications and we were off, ready to start our IVF journey.

I have never been so excited to see a bunch of needles in my entire life! I mean, I usually would never volunteer to get stuck with a needle, but I was elated! My poor Hubby, being terrified of needles, was not nearly as excited to see the mountain of medications, hehe! Thank God he didn't need to touch any of them! :-) I set up what felt like an entire pharmacy on our dresser and prepared for my 4-6 injections a day. 

Below is the partial supply of my stimulation meds. The majority of the injections were stored in the fridge and then the last 4 days of stimulation, I had to get more meds from my doctor because I ran out.

I won't lie, I was pretty fearful of my first set in injections. My hands shook and I felt sick to my stomach. I was terrified that I didn't mix something right and that somehow I would mess up this $4,500 (or more) worth of medication that our doctor so generously donated to us. I sat there for probably 20 minutes with the first needle at my tummy, waiting to plunge it into my skin. For a moment, I thought, "I can't do this, what was I thinking?!" Then I told myself, "Labor will be much harder than this! You want a baby? Suck it up and do it already!" In went the first needle and I more than survived. :-) 

I continued on with my stimulation meds and developed a little routine in the process. Every night at 9:00 pm I would take my meds out of the fridge, go upstairs and take a bubble bath to relax and get myself in a calm state of mind. The best part about that time was being able to listen to Michael spend time with Charlotte downstairs. Many nights during my bath I cried because I was so thankful. Thankful to hear the sweet cooing (and sometimes crying ;-)) of Charlotte after years of not knowing if we would ever have the blessing of those beautiful sounds being a part of our home soundtrack. I felt so thankful to have such a wonderful, God-loving and supportive Husband...thankful that my Husband is as amazing of a Father as I knew he would be....and thankful that our baby Knox just might be on his or her way soon! 

Bad news and more bad news

Each and every doctor appointment consisted of an ultrasound and blood work to insure that my single little partial ovary was producing healthy and maturing follicles. The first visit they counted 7 follicles, which was a great number for me! The next few visits looked like everything was still progressing, except for a little problem they found on visit three. I was diagnosed with a dermoid cyst (terratoma) in my ovary...this is the same type of tumor that I lost my right ovary to at age 16. The doctor insisted that it was still small enough that I would be able to have a healthy pregnancy and then worry about getting it removed afterwards. Well, okay then. We will deal with that later! Then on February 3rd (my 4th check-up) I was told that I only had two or three follicles that were looking good and that Michael and I should consider "abandoning this cycle" and starting over next month. I was devastated to get this news to say the least! By this point, after four appointments, four ultrasounds, four blood draws and using 10 days worth of stimulation meds, there was NO way we could afford to start over! This is it for us. We had ONE chance at this, that's it! Starting over was not an option. Since our doctor wasn't available that day and I was seeing a different doctor, I painfully waited until the next day to speak with our doctor to get her opinion of how my body was progressing and what our options were. 

After this appointment, I had picked up Charlotte and headed home to wait and pray. Well, not an hour after I walked in the door, I got a call from Charlotte's social worker. She informed me that there was a cousin of her biological Mother that is perusing custody of her and that once this relative gets prepared and screened, they will be transitioning her to their home. Since we are just the foster parents, biological family gets "first dibs" and we don't have a say about it. The social worker also mentioned that we needed to schedule a visit as soon as possible so that she and this relative can get acquainted. I hung up the phone and it felt like my heart was shattered into a million little pieces. We brought her home at just two days old...with her hospital anklet and her umbilical cord still attached...we were the first ones to care for her, to soothe her cries, to wipe her tears, to care for her when she had her first cold, to hear her first laughs, and to be up with her for countless hours while she was trying to get use to this big new world. None of that mattered to the County or to this family member and we didn't have a choice. Now let me just say that we knew going into concurrent planning (foster care with intent to adopt) was going to be tricky with our emotions. You are essentially on a parallel track of moving towards adoption while the County attempts to place them back with their family. We weren't sure if we would be able to do it more than once, but we wanted to help these helpless children. We owed it to them and ourselves to give it a try. However, from the very first call asking if we wanted her, they said, "do you want to adopt a brand new baby girl?" We didn't expect to be told or asked that so soon in the process. We didn't expect for them to tell us to "go ahead and name her because you will be able to change it legally when you adopt her." We also didn't expect for multiple people with the County to tell us that this was a for sure adoption and it seemed to be an easy slam dunk and a best case scenario for us. Maybe it was ignorant of us, but we trusted what they said and truly thought she was ours. This hit us like a ton of bricks!

Even though that day felt like our world was crashing in around us, Michael and I both felt that God was bigger than all of it! If He brought us this far, He wouldn't just let it all crash down, right?! That afternoon our good friend and Worship Pastor Joshua called Michael and I separately to pray with us and let us know that we had everyone's support. He also said that all of our friends wanted to rally around us and pray for us for everything we were facing. I can truly say that his phone call that day filled Michael and I back up with the hope we needed. Everything wasn't fixed or made better, but knowing that we had the love and support of so many great people, gave us the endurance to continue to push through these obstacles that were being tossed into our path. God wasn't finished yet.

Things are looking up

The next day I spoke with my doctor and she said that I should continue with the stim meds and we will give my body more time. Many women will have stopped their meds by this point in their cycle, taken their "trigger" shot to get their follicles in prime condition and ready for egg retrieval day. Well, as usual, my body has a mind of its own. I was taking much longer than most for my body to respond. Thankfully, my next appointment confirmed that my follicles started growing again, and we were back on track. Finally, some good news! On February 7th's appointment, I got the green light to stop all stim meds, and administer my "trigger" shot at exactly 8:00pm that night. This timing was crucial, because exactly 36 hours from the trigger shot, they perform the egg retrieval. Up until this point, the only side effects I had from all of the meds was that I felt super tired...although having a newborn at home will do that to you too! :-) After the "trigger" shot, I woke up the next day super swollen and tender. Other than that, I felt great!

Below was my crazy looking calendar to prepare for egg retrieval day.

                       

On Sunday (the day before egg retrieval) we were so thankful to be able to have Church and our surrounding Church family. It was such a bitter-sweet day for us. Being so excited for the next step with our IVF, yet being so devastated with the impending loss our our sweet Charlotte Grace. Worship time was especially emotional for both of us as we held Charlotte extra tight. After service our friends and a few of the pastors at our Church surrounded us in support, love and prayer. I cried as soon as we walked into that room seeing just how many people were there for us! Wow, what a humbling experience! Their prayers helped lift us up and show us that we weren't going through all of this alone. What an amazing thing that is! Again, we saw that God was bigger than our obstacles.

Bright and early on Monday morning (February 9th) our amazing friend Carrie was so kind to watch Charlotte for us. We dropped her off at something like 4:30am (!) and headed into the City for the big day! Michael and I were so very excited to see what was next in this journey. I was put under anesthesia for a very short time and woke up to the amazing news that they retrieved seven eggs! For my body and having only a small piece of one ovary left, seven was an amazing number! The process went smooth, other than being in some pain. But, as much as my body has been through already, I was oddly thankful for that pain. It meant that my body responded the way it was suppose to. We were discharged to go home a few hours later, picked up Charlotte and spent the rest of the day together at home as thankful as could be.

The next step was to wait to see if we were doing the embryo transfer on either day two, three or day five. It all depended on how our embryos were developing. The next day we got a call from an embryologist saying that all seven eggs fertilized (meaning the sperm properly penetrated the egg), but that four stopped growing and only three progressed into the next stage. We figured that three was still more than enough for us to have at least one healthy embryo, if not two or three. The day after that (February 11th) I got the call to tell us that our embryo transfer would be happening on that day. The embryologist informed us that of the three, only two of our embryos were "Grade A" (yes, they literally grade them) perfect embryos and the other one had fallen off of the normal growth pattern. I had to immediately rush to get ready, drop Charlotte off, pick up Michael at work and head to the doctors office. We were SO excited that I was about to be pregnant!

The retrieval process wasn't bad. The only tough part is that I had to go in with a full bladder while they poked and prodded and placed the embryos safely into their home (the uterus) for what we hoped would be the next 9 months. Our doctor said that since we were left with just two, and they were both perfect embryos, "lets put them both in and hope for the best." We were able to watch on the ultrasound screen as they placed the embryos in their place and we were given the first photo of our (hopefully) twins! Our doctor said, "as of right now, you are pregnant with twins." We were over the moon! Here is the photo of our little embies (embryos):

For over 6 years, we have tried everything to get pregnant. Many times we had even given up and stopped trying. We have started again, many times. Now with this IVF, we have tried everything. We can honestly say that we have given everything for the chance to have a family. The two (or so) weeks of "waiting" to see if our pregnancy continued successfully was some of the most special bonding time that Michael and I have ever had. The thought that we FINALLY had a baby of our own, growing inside of my body was the best feeling I had ever felt. Ever! The extreme exhaustion that I felt, the crazy enhanced sense of smell, the horribly painful tender boobs (sorry, but true!) and the little bit of nausea that I was experiencing was sure to be a good sign. Every day Michael kissed my tummy and we spent most of those two weeks talking about how incredibly blessed we were to be pregnant. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

Some things in life just don't make sense

All of my symptoms continued to increase, so we thought that it was a good sign. I remember saying that if my light nausea suddenly changed into full on puking, it would be so amazing because then it would be a good sign of strong pregnancy hormones. Yeah...I HATE throwing up more than most things in this world, so that should tell you how bad I wanted to be pregnant. I mean, who prays for morning sickness?! Someone who is so over 6 years if infertility!

 On February 23rd, I went in for my first blood pregnancy test. I called my doctor's office to get a refill of the progesterone medication that I would need to stay on through week ten of my pregnancy. The nurse said that she would call it in only if my pregnancy test came back positive. Well, a few hours later I got a call from the pharmacy that my prescription was back-ordered. I got so excited thinking that must mean that I was still pregnant because the nurse was only calling it in if my test was positive! So, I waited for my nurse to call with the test results for another few hours, excited that it was surely in our favor. I felt sick when my phone rang and I saw that it was her. This was it. Our entire future rested on this call. She proceeded to say, "well the test confirmed that you are still pregnant, but..." And my heart sank.....

I was still pregnant, but they were not pleased with the numbers. I was asked to do another blood test in two days. Sometimes the initial numbers are low, but that typically indicated that the patient is in the process of miscarrying. I was told that there was a 1% chance of this turning around for the better. The next two days were extremely difficult as we continued to try to process this news. I wanted to believe that God would turn this around for us, but I knew in my heart that it was time to say goodbye to our little babies that we got such a short amount of time with. Sure enough, the next test confirmed that I was miscarrying. I was instructed to stop all meds and wait to pass the pregnancy. We were left completely devastated...

Finding a way to move on

This is where the words get extremely difficult to write. There are no words for the disappointment and devastation that we are feeling. It is so frustrating that our one and only chance at IVF actually worked, but for whatever reason I miscarried. It actually worked for us but that didn't matter. Don't get me wrong, we are so thankful that we had this chance in the first place! But I not only miscarried, but we were also left with no healthy embryos to try again. We are done. Our chances are over.

I am always such a thinker and a planner and that is the way I tend to process loss and life. I over think and come up with a new plan to try to make sense of why something has happened...It's my way of moving on. But the truth is, that doesn't take away our pain or our questioning why. It feels like we have this gaping open wound and putting a tiny band aid on it won't stop the bleeding. We know that God is such a big God and we trust His plan more than anything. And for the first time, we are struggling with understanding what He is doing here. 

Now, I am not trying to make this into a pity party because I know that many have suffered more loss than we can even imagine. I am speaking about our truth and what we know to be true right now, and right now life feels incredibly hard. This situation sucks and that is the truth! And no matter what anyone says or believes for us, the truth is that NO ONE can truly know what God's plan is for us. As much as we want to believe that we will have children one day if we don't give up....that just may not be what God wants for us. As hard is that is to fathom, as hard is that is to say...it is true. We have to give ourselves the chance to grieve over our losses first. And then we have to find a way to be content and happy, just as we are. Babies or no babies. 

For many years I couldn't picture my life without being a Mother and I surely thought that "God would give me the desire of my heart." I mean, that what everyone tells you, right?! But the harsh reality is, He does not always do this. Sometimes He has a different plan than what we want. We don't know what God's plan is for our life right now, and we are learning to accept that it is okay to not know. We have to try to plan our life according to what we know about today and try to enjoy the blessings that that brings us in the mean time...The ONLY thing in life that I know is 100% sure and true is that I believe in a God that has brought me/us through so much. He has never left or forsaken us. Even in times like now when I am mad at him, I know He is there. We may not have been able to fully receive our miracle, but I have seen too many miracles to deny His goodness. Thankfully, God's love is unconditional and I know He can handle our anger right now. Because the truth of the matter is, we can't see around the corner like He can and we fully believe that someday it will all make sense.

I will share more later about our future plans, but for now I feel emotionally drained. Thank you for being patient with us in waiting for us to share our journey. Thank you for your continued prayers, love and support. Michael and I both spent much of this journey with overflowing happiness. We were so thankful to experience this process and have a chance at finally getting pregnant. For a short time, we got to experience that joy together. Though it ended way too soon, it gave us more happiness than words could ever describe. 

From the bottom of our hearts, 

Juliana & Michael 

P.S.

We do still have Charlotte for the time being. We aren't sure how long we will have her and we won't know until they tell us it is time to transition her. It might be three weeks, but it might be a few more months. Though it is extremely hard waiting to lose her, we are trying to soak in every single moment we get with her. We ask that you join us in praying for her and for her future.

Update on all things Knox ;-)

Let me just start by saying WOW! God is amazing!!! So much has happened since my last blog post. We have been so incredibly busy, that I haven’t had the time to really sit down and write an update. So, here goes!

After 4 years of working super hard, my Husband finally got a permanent position with the company he works for! This is such a huge blessing for us for many reasons. He will finally have paid holidays, benefits and much less of a worry of a layoff looming over our heads. The next amazing thing that happened was we finally received our foster license! We were unsure whether or not we were going to move closer to Hubby’s job in San Francisco (way too expensive, go figure!) so once we decided to stay put, we were able to make ourselves “available” for foster care. After 9 months or preparation and anticipation, we received our first foster baby girl on November 10^th. She was only 2 days old when we picked her up, and a little over a week later, we are in baby heaven! Caring for this sweet angel has been one of the biggest highlights of our lives. There is a good chance for adoption, but there are no guarantees. Though we hope and pray that we get to keep her, it is not up to us. We have to trust that God has a plan, and He knows best. In the mean time, we are soaking in every second as if she were our own, and if we have to lose her we will just deal with our broken hearts at that point. One thing is for sure; God is so good! Any time we have with her is more of a blessing than we could have ever imagined! She is an angel!

It was just 2 months ago that my beautiful sister Kristi set up our GoFundMe page (http://www.gofundme.com/JourneytoBabyKnox) to raise money for an IVF. In just 2 months, we reached 56% of our goal! Absolutely astounding!!!! Well, I am VERY excited to report that we are now FULLY FUNDED!!!!!!!! Though our fundraising page still says 56%, my Dad made an extremely generous donation directly to us for the remainder of what we needed to start our IVF! Amazing!!! I think we are still in shock at the kindness and extreme generosity of everyone. To see that so many people care about our struggles, and us has helped us to feel that we are not in this journey alone. To everyone that rallied behind us to make this happen, we wish we could hug every single one of you! With every donation, big and small, YOU have been a part of making our dreams come true! For every person that has encouraged us, prayed for us, shared our page, commented with well wishes…we are forever thankful for you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I can’t even begin to tell you how incredibly full our hearts are right now. So many amazing things that we have spent years waiting for are finally coming to pass. Every bit of glory goes to our mighty Father in heaven! I hesitated so much to open up about our journey to baby Knox, but I feel that it was all a part of God’s plan. How cool is it that so many people have been a part in watching our little miracle unfold?! And how amazing is it that God is using our journey for a purpose?! Words cannot even begin to describe how thankful, amazed, humbled and in awe we are of all that is unfolding! God is so good! 

Now, when do we start our IVF? In January! I can’t even believe that I am writing this! Yes, we finally have a chance to do IVF! Though we are aware that it isn’t a guaranteed outcome, we are so thankful to have this chance! We are going into this with positivity and thankfulness. We plan on enjoying the next part of our journey. I will be documenting our journey here, so stay tuned. There are many, many appointments, ultrasounds, injections, and more ahead! Though we don’t expect these next steps to be easy (trust me, IVF is no joke!), we are excited to see what God has in store for us. Who knows, maybe we will have the chance to adopt this little angel and have a successful IVF! As my favorite song by Steven Curtis Chapman says, “This is going to be a glorious unfolding…just you wait and see and you will be amazed.” God, we are absolutely amazed!

Though we have the full amount now for the IVF, we may still need to come up with another $1,200 or so for the rest of the meds. I believe that God will provide. He has brought us this far! I have been asked what we are in need right now and my answer is prayers. Prayers are very much needed and appreciated as we embark on these next few months ahead. Though they will be very exciting, there will be some challenges. I pray that my body will cooperate with this process, and that I can keep up with all we have going on. I hope and pray that I will be able to take care of myself during this time while continuing to be doting wife and care for the sweet little angel that we have been blessed with for the time being. I plan on enjoying every moment of the most amazing “job” that God could have ever blessed me with! I just want to do my best with each and every part of it!

Again, thank you all for your love, kindness and support! We are truly blessed to have such amazing people in our lives. J Our hearts are so thankful. Stay tuned for our IVF journey, coming January 2015!!!

All our love,

Juliana & Michael Knox

Seeking God's Path and Finding the Light + Mini Update

This blog gives me the unique ability to share the words that God has put on my heart. I woke up this morning feeling thankful for this, and hope that this will speak to you in some way.

Our fertility journey has been extremely eye opening for me in many ways. I try to keep a positive outlook and tell myself that our situation is only a phase in life, but it has worn on my emotions and has tested my faith. There is so much negativity in the world and I have always felt that I should keep my ranting to myself...and my Hubby - ha-ha! :-) But if I am being truly honest, this journey has been super hard at times. Every tear I have shed in this journey has shown me more of who I am, who my husband is, and most importantly who God is. 

One of the hardest things for me has been realizing that not everyone will understand and support our decisions in this type of a situation. This is a big reason why I have been hesitant to share our fertility journey. What will people say? What will people think of me/us? This can be very consuming for me, as I am a people pleaser. I always want to make everyone happy. When you put yourself out there, you not only find who is there to support you (this has been a HUGE blessing!), but you also find out who is not there...silence can speak volumes. 

No matter what your struggle in life is, I am sure that some people can relate to the feeling of wanting others approval. During my prayer time this morning, it hit me…who am I living for? I have spent 28 years seeking approval from the world and in reality, that doesn’t matter. I choose to keep my focus on God and not let negative thoughts consume me.

"For, am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10 

This morning, God reminded me that His approval is all I need. It is all we need. I believe that God has a miraculous plan for us, and out of this journey will come many blessings. Our hope is that others will be blessed in this, not just us.

We chose to follow God’s plan for our lives, and continually seek His approval. After all, He has a purpose for leading us down this path to building our family. Only He knows why. Sharing our journey has been such a whirlwind. Writing has always been an outlet for me and I pray that my honesty can help someone else who is struggling. 

As tears stream down my face, I can honestly say that in this moment, I am thankful for each and every struggle in my life…including our journey to building a family. I NEVER thought I would say this! The depth of my faith in God is more than I have ever imagined possible. There is a sense of freedom that comes when you finally let go of wanting life to be perfect. 

From a very young age, I learned that nothing in life was guaranteed. Life was far from perfect and I was forced to grow up much faster than other kids my age. It seemed as though nothing came easy and my only stability came from God. Whether I was at Church regularly or not, I always knew God was there. God’s presence always felt like an invisible security blanket that He wrapped me in. He brought me through so much, and saved me in more ways than I can describe. Growing up, I dreamed of a future with a wonderful Husband (check!) and lots of babies. I dreamed of being the perfect wife and Mommy, wanting to spend my life serving my family. When I married Michael, I thought I had surely paid my dues in the life department and that life could maybe settle down a little bit now. But God had a different plan. 

Each step in our journey has felt like a new lesson in life. Each and every surgery and diagnosis has allowed us to lean on God and each other more. Continually seeking His direction has not always been easy. But who am I to question God’s plan for my life? Each day that passes and we haven’t started IVF, I wonder if we will miss our chance of having a baby…I know God is there. I think about the sweet babies in foster care that we dream of helping and I question why we would have gotten this far in the process only to come to a screeching halt. I know God is there.

No matter what you are struggling with, I encourage you to seek God in your journey. Ask for His guidance in your decisions. Remember to give grace to those who may say the wrong thing to you. This can be really hard, but I find (most of the time, at least) they are just grasping to find the right words of wisdom. If someone ends up saying the wrong thing, forgive him or her and move on. If someone you love is not there to support you, forgive them. Their silence may just mean that they don’t know what to say or how to help you. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Maybe they are not strong enough to help hold you up when you need it the most. Try to fix your focus on God and not on those who aren’t there for you. Humans are not perfect, but God is. Showing them love and Grace will help you feel better. Focusing on the negative only makes you feel worse.

Life can be quite a crazy ride; it is full of uncertainties, tragedy, heartbreak and it can leave you with a lot of questions. But life is also beautiful. If you are searching, there is always a light in the darkest of times. It may be small at times, but it is there. Choosing to focus on that light is where the beauty lies.

Holding onto hope that God has a plan for us to build a family is how I go on. God instilled this dream in me for a reason. As long as there is breath in my lungs, I chose to believe in God's promises, and hold onto hope, wherever this journey may take us. 

Mini update, but huge news: We hit 50% of our goal for IVF on our GoFundMe page: (www.gofundme.com/journeytobabyknox) !!! HUGE blessing!!! We are elated! We could not be more amazed and more thankful to each and every person who is helping make this possible! I wish I could hug every single person who has been so kind and generous to us! Thank you, thank you!!! Almost there! :-) Also had another phone appointment with our patient care coordinator, getting everything in order so that we can be ready to go when we have enough to pay our fees to the clinic. #PrayingforBabyKnox

 

Update - as of 9/25/14

It was just 14 days ago that my sister set-up a GoFundMe page (http://www.gofundme.com/JourneytoBabyKnox) in an effort to raise money for us to start IVF. We have been humbled at the outpouring of kindness from some of our friends, some of our family and also by perfect strangers. We have reached 31% of our goal, and we are honestly amazed at the progress thus far. The best part of all of this has been the people who have reached out to us in support. Donations are extremely generous and honestly surprising, but the love and support from people has been what has lifted us up the most. We are firm believers that God will provide if this is the correct path for us and we have been working hard at trying to make this IVF happen. So far, everything is falling into place and we truly believe that this IVF is possible.

In the mean time, I've had a few phone appointments with our financial coordinator and with our patient care coordinator. I have had some more blood work done and am now working on what we can do to get ourselves (or the eggs and swimmers, rather) as healthy as possible before we start the process. Time is not on our side but we are following the advice that our RE has given us by implementing the necessary supplements and such. Thankfully our doctors are confident that we will be successful, so now we just have to be patient as we eagerly await the start of this exciting (and scary) process. There are quite a few steps to getting all of our ducks in a row before the actual process starts. At this point, there isn't anything else we can do until our fees are paid to the clinic in full. All fees are due 2 weeks before the start of my medications. Then at that point, there will be a lot more updates than what you are seeing now. There is still quite a gap in funds of what we need ($5,315 to be exact) to make this IVF happen, and we pray that it can happen before my body says it's too late.

As for the fost/adopt process, this continues to be at a standstill. I have spent so much time over phone calls and sending emails and I continue to get the same answers, "I will check on that again" or "I will ask my Supervisor." Long story short, we are still waiting on our background checks. Since the State does not pay for childcare when you have a foster child in your home, I had put working on hold because we truly felt that God was leading us to do foster care. We figured God would provide and didn't think (at the time) that we needed to worry about being under such a rush to do IVF. Well, not only has this foster process come to a screeching halt, but we are now forced to face the fact that our fertility can no longer wait. Almost 4 months after we were told we would get our license and a foster baby any day, we are still waiting. We can no longer put life on hold and we are trying to follow God's lead every step of the way. At this point, we still want to be able to do foster care and (hopefully) adopt but for now it just isn't happening. Right now I have a strong lead for a job. This would help us be able to pay down on the mountain of medical bills that have stacked up against us from all of my surgeries, tests and doctor's visits along with hopefully helping us get closer to this IVF.

I want to be clear here, we are NOT giving up on the fost/adopt situation! I have called and emailed everyone we can and we have just realized that it is in God's hands and if this is meant to happen, He will open the doors for us in His perfect timing. We have done everything we needed to get licensed so it is out of our hands at this time. Maybe now just isn't the right time for this. Only God knows. We feel led to deal with our situation at hand (my health and preparing for IVF) and in the mean time, the nursery will remain ready and prepared for whatever baby God decides to bless us with. :-)

We will keep you all in the loop as our journey progresses. Please feel free to ask questions and/or send your word of encouragement our way. We truly appreciate those of you who have been there for us! There simply are not enough thanks in the world to express how much we really appreciate all of you!

Love, Juliana + Michael

P.S.
If you are struggling with infertility, please feel free to reach out! A big part of sharing our journey was the hope that I/we could be of help to anyone who is struggling with this heartbreak. It helps to know that you are not alone and to feel like you have someone in your corner who understands. We are definitely not experts, but we can empathize with you, be there for you and pray for you.

Our Journey to Baby Knox

Have you ever been terrified to do something that was way out of your comfort zone, but you knew you needed to do it anyways? Have you carried the weight of a heavy burden and been too scared to reach out in fear of what others might think or say…Isaiah 41:10 says “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.” So here I am, setting my fear aside and taking a giant leap of faith…with a little nudge from my beautiful sister Kristi.

Sharing such personal details is something that I never thought I would do in a public forum. This has taken a lot of prayer and soul searching from my Husband Michael and I. It is not a decision that came to us lightly! We have placed our trust and hope in Jesus Christ, and feel that it is time to share our journey to creating a family.

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of being a Wife and a Mother. God blessed me with a wonderful, loving husband and I am thankful that I found my “price charming.” You know how the song goes, “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a…” Yeah, not so fast! Little did we know the road to building our family would be the most difficult journey of our lives.  

I still remember the fear that I felt at 16 years old when I stood alone in my Chiropractor’s office while he told me that something was wrong. I was being treated for a minor car accident, and they forgot to put on the protective pelvic shield while they did my x-rays. Typically, this shield would cover the female organs, but by the grace of God the Chiropractor forgot. This x-ray revealed that I had an ovarian terratoma inside of my right ovary. Within a matter of a few days, I was in surgery to have it removed. When I woke up from surgery, I remember hearing my Mom cry. She told me that the doctors didn’t realize how large the tumor was until they opened me up and they had no choice but to remove my entire right ovary. I didn’t worry too much about it at the time, and mostly joked about how nasty it was that this tumor had teeth inside of it (Google it if you dare!). Thankfully the tumor was benign, but we were told that there was a 30% chance of another terratoma growing in my left ovary, and that it might cause problems for me getting pregnant in the future.

About a year or so after this surgery, I began to struggle with multiple ovarian cysts. My doctors have always had to keep a close monitor on these cysts, because of my history of having a terratoma. This started the cycle of many ultrasounds, doctor visits and medications. The reality of loosing my chance at having my own biological child was something that haunted me. Every time I went to the doctor, I worried what they might tell me. Dealing with pain on a continual basis was secondary to me when it came to my dream of having a baby. I would endure anything.

Right before my Husband and I got married, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. We started our new marriage with strict instructions from my doctor that if we wanted to have a baby, it needed to be our first priority. The doctor feared that I would end up with a hysterectomy if the endometriosis got any worse.  After taking Clomid, I ended up with hyperstimulation of the ovary and I was rushed into surgery. The doctor informed Michael that the endometriosis and scar tissue was so bad again, that he was barely able to save my ovary. He removed a large cyst, leaving me with a small section of my left ovary. I was then put on a medication to try to control my endometriosis, which gave me a whole slew of horrible side effects.

Shortly after, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Disease). Our chances of having a baby we very slim by this point. We were told so many times that we should see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but this was a very expensive type of doctor that was not covered by our insurance. Not to mention the mountain of bills that we pouring in from doctors, hospitals, tests and medications…we were drowning already. This was not an option for us, so we continued to try and prayed for a miracle.

I am now 28 years old, and our miracle has yet to come to pass. To date, I have now had a total of 7 surgeries since 2008, just for the endometriosis, adhesions and cysts and removal of my right fallopian tube. I have suffered the loss of a miscarriage. We have tried several rounds of Clomid cycles that have been unsuccessful. We have been told that my (1) fallopian tube was open, then blocked, and then open again. We have been told countless time to “hurry up and get pregnant before you run out of time.” In 2011, God had blessed us with the means to finally see a Reproductive Endocrinologist in San Francisco and she has been our advocate ever since.  We went through 5 failed attempts at IUIs before she suggested that we move on to IVF, which is even more expensive.

Doing IVF would bypass all of the problems that have been keeping us from getting pregnant, and our doctor was very confident that we would be successful. We prayed, and decided that IVF was the route for us, but knew we could not afford it at that time, especially since we paid out of pocket for all 5 IUIs. Michael’s job is a contract type position, so he does not get the benefits as a regular status employee would. We pay out of pocket for private health insurance at $722.25 a month and are swimming in medical debt from all of my surgeries, doctor visits and tests. Our expensive insurance covers zero for anything fertility related. We had no choice but to take a break from our fertility treatments. So, towards the end of 2013, we decided to put the idea of IVF on the shelf and re-visit it in January of 2015.

This summer marks one year out from my last surgery (for Endo) and had been feeling pretty good, except for the ovarian cysts that seem to always be around. My cycles have been pretty normal, which is a huge improvement and a big victory for someone with PCOS. I have a long road ahead for my body to get “back to normal” but I am continually plugging away at making small changes and doing what I can to feel like myself again, emotionally and physically.

Adoption is something that Michael and I have wanted to do as well as having a biological child. In researching, we found out that adoption is just as expensive as IVF, if not more in some cases (unless you go through the State or County). Like IVF, there is no guarantee with adoption. A biological parent can still change their mind, and things can fall through. It is a very long, and hard road, especially adopting through the foster system. In March 2014, we started the process to become licensed foster parents with Alameda County. We are waiting on our license to go through, but this has been another complicated situation. Again, this is a temporary foster situation with no guarantee of being able to adopt. We are going into this with the intent of giving a child loving and stable home, and if the opportunity presents itself, we would love to adopt.

In the midst of going through the foster licensing process, I started feeling like something physically was not right again. More doctor’s appointments and more tests, led to the discovery of a new female problem that will endanger our chances at having a baby. I have most recently been diagnosed with the beginning stages of uterine prolapse. This only gets worse over time. Surgery is the only real fix, but most of the time surgery for this means a hysterectomy. My OB/GYN sat Michael and I down and told us that if we wanted to have a baby, it truly is now or never because this only gets worse. We could risk a surgery, but she highly advises us to get pregnant as soon as possible, so that we can correct it later by the necessary means. Both my OB/GYN and our Reproductive Endocrinologist are in agreement that now is the best time.

This latest diagnosis has been the hardest to deal with. This is not just a doctor guessing this time, this is truly my body telling us that it has gone through enough and it is time to move forward. We are thankful that we have two amazing doctors behind us. They are both very confident that it is early enough that we can have a successful IVF and that I could carry a successful pregnancy.

We have prayed and prayed about our situation and asked for God’s direction. Our RE doctor and her team have very generously given us a significant discount so that we can try to make this IVF happen as soon as possible. They are giving us almost half off of the services for IVF! This is very rarely seen. Our doctor has also been advocating for us by trying to get our medications donated (thankfully, because these can cost $1,800-$10,000 per IVF cycle). This is a huge blessing, and we can see God moving mountains already! Now, we are trying everything possible to come up with the appx. $7,000 (not including meds) needed to have our little Baby Knox.

As I mentioned previously, speaking out about this was something that has taken me a long time to do. I have been open about our journey to those I felt comfortable enough with, but it isn’t something that I have wanted broadcasted to everyone. I am always worried about what people will think of me. After hearing the advice of a fellow infertility sister (thank you Alexis!), and then my sister Kristi setting up a fundraising page to try to help us, we felt that it was time to speak out and share our journey. It made me realize that I shouldn’t be afraid. People who truly know Michael and I will see our hearts and know that our desire to have a family is deeper than any fear. I will do anything to be a Mother. My heart aches that I haven’t been able to give my Husband a child, or my parents a Grandchild. I don’t know who I am if I can’t be a Mother.

My body has gone through so much, but it doesn’t even compare to the heartbreak that infertility brings. It has changed me as a person and it has more than tested my faith. It has tested and strengthened my marriage and I honestly could not have come this far if it weren’t for my faith and Michael and a few wonderful people along the way (you know who you are) who have encouraged me to never give up hope.

With each surgery, we were warned that they might not able to save my ovary. Yet each and every surgery, God has continued to show us that our story isn’t finished. I cannot even count the amount of times that I have heard a doctor say “you are too young for this.” People have said, “just adopt and have a hysterectomy and everything will be better.” Well my friend, it isn’t that easy. God has placed this desire on my heart in such a strong way and until he tells us different, we will not give up the fight.

I am not sure who will read this, if anybody. But my prayer is that it at least touches you to have faith, no matter your circumstances. It only takes a little bit of faith, and God will carry you through anything. He is always there and His plans are better than anything we could ever imagine. I know God is putting us in this position for a reason. And we will continue to have faith that our journey is not over.

And please, if you know anyone struggling through infertility, just be there to lend an ear to listen or be a shoulder to cry on. Everyone’s battle is different. There isn’t a simple fix for everyone. Telling them to “quit trying and it will happen”, or “you should just adopt” or “be thankful you don’t have kids” is not going to help them. Infertility can feel dark and lonely, but it helps to know that they are not alone.

Michael and I may be under limited time, but we still believe that God can bring a miracle out of this situation. If you feel compelled to donate, you can do so here http://www.gofundme.com/JourneytoBabyKnox, we cannot thank you enough!!! If you simply wish to share our story, thank you times a million! Either way, we ask that you pray for us during our journey to having Baby Knox. Thank you for taking the time to read our story! And thank you Kristi, for the push you gave to share our journey and for all you are doing for us!

http://www.gofundme.com/JourneytoBabyKnox