Have you ever been terrified
to do something that was way out of your comfort zone, but you knew you needed
to do it anyways? Have you carried the weight of a heavy burden and been too scared
to reach out in fear of what others might think or say…Isaiah 41:10 says “Don’t
be afraid, for I am with you.” So here I am, setting my fear aside and taking a
giant leap of faith…with a little nudge from my beautiful sister Kristi.
Sharing such personal details
is something that I never thought I would do in a public forum. This has taken
a lot of prayer and soul searching from my Husband Michael and I. It is not a
decision that came to us lightly! We have placed our trust and hope in Jesus
Christ, and feel that it is time to share our journey to creating a family.
For as long as I can
remember, I have dreamed of being a Wife and a Mother. God blessed me with a
wonderful, loving husband and I am thankful that I found my “price charming.”
You know how the song goes, “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a…”
Yeah, not so fast! Little did we know the road to building our family would be
the most difficult journey of our lives.
I still remember the fear
that I felt at 16 years old when I stood alone in my Chiropractor’s office
while he told me that something was wrong. I was being treated for a minor car
accident, and they forgot to put on the protective pelvic shield while they did
my x-rays. Typically, this shield would cover the female organs, but by the
grace of God the Chiropractor forgot. This x-ray revealed that I had an ovarian
terratoma inside of my right ovary. Within a matter of a few days, I was in
surgery to have it removed. When I woke up from surgery, I remember hearing my
Mom cry. She told me that the doctors didn’t realize how large the tumor was
until they opened me up and they had no choice but to remove my entire right
ovary. I didn’t worry too much about it at the time, and mostly joked about how
nasty it was that this tumor had teeth inside of it (Google it if you dare!).
Thankfully the tumor was benign, but we were told that there was a 30% chance
of another terratoma growing in my left ovary, and that it might cause problems
for me getting pregnant in the future.
About a year or so after this
surgery, I began to struggle with multiple ovarian cysts. My doctors have
always had to keep a close monitor on these cysts, because of my history of
having a terratoma. This started the cycle of many ultrasounds, doctor visits
and medications. The reality of loosing my chance at having my own biological
child was something that haunted me. Every time I went to the doctor, I worried
what they might tell me. Dealing with pain on a continual basis was secondary
to me when it came to my dream of having a baby. I would endure anything.
Right before my Husband and I
got married, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. We started our new
marriage with strict instructions from my doctor that if we wanted to have a
baby, it needed to be our first priority. The doctor feared that I would end up
with a hysterectomy if the endometriosis got any worse. After taking Clomid, I ended up with hyperstimulation
of the ovary and I was rushed into surgery. The doctor informed Michael that
the endometriosis and scar tissue was so bad again, that he was barely able to
save my ovary. He removed a large cyst, leaving me with a small section of my
left ovary. I was then put on a medication to try to control my endometriosis,
which gave me a whole slew of horrible side effects.
Shortly after, I was
diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Disease). Our chances of having a baby
we very slim by this point. We were told so many times that we should see a
Reproductive Endocrinologist, but this was a very expensive type of doctor that
was not covered by our insurance. Not to mention the mountain of bills that we
pouring in from doctors, hospitals, tests and medications…we were drowning
already. This was not an option for us, so we continued to try and prayed for a
miracle.
I am now 28 years old, and
our miracle has yet to come to pass. To date, I have now had a total of 7
surgeries since 2008, just for the endometriosis, adhesions and cysts and
removal of my right fallopian tube. I have suffered the loss of a miscarriage.
We have tried several rounds of Clomid cycles that have been unsuccessful. We
have been told that my (1) fallopian tube was open, then blocked, and then open
again. We have been told countless time to “hurry up and get pregnant before
you run out of time.” In 2011, God had blessed us with the means to finally see
a Reproductive Endocrinologist in San Francisco and she has been our advocate
ever since. We went through 5 failed
attempts at IUIs before she suggested that we move on to IVF, which is even
more expensive.
Doing IVF would bypass all of
the problems that have been keeping us from getting pregnant, and our doctor
was very confident that we would be successful. We prayed, and decided that IVF
was the route for us, but knew we could not afford it at that time, especially
since we paid out of pocket for all 5 IUIs. Michael’s job is a contract type
position, so he does not get the benefits as a regular status employee would.
We pay out of pocket for private health insurance at $722.25 a month and are
swimming in medical debt from all of my surgeries, doctor visits and tests. Our
expensive insurance covers zero for anything fertility related. We had no
choice but to take a break from our fertility treatments. So, towards the end
of 2013, we decided to put the idea of IVF on the shelf and re-visit it in
January of 2015.
This summer marks one year
out from my last surgery (for Endo) and had been feeling pretty good, except
for the ovarian cysts that seem to always be around. My cycles have been pretty
normal, which is a huge improvement and a big victory for someone with PCOS. I
have a long road ahead for my body to get “back to normal” but I am continually
plugging away at making small changes and doing what I can to feel like myself
again, emotionally and physically.
Adoption is something that
Michael and I have wanted to do as well as having a biological child. In
researching, we found out that adoption is just as expensive as IVF, if not
more in some cases (unless you go through the State or County). Like IVF, there
is no guarantee with adoption. A biological parent can still change their mind,
and things can fall through. It is a very long, and hard road, especially
adopting through the foster system. In March 2014, we started the process to
become licensed foster parents with Alameda County. We are waiting on our license
to go through, but this has been another complicated situation. Again, this is
a temporary foster situation with no guarantee of being able to adopt. We are
going into this with the intent of giving a child loving and stable home, and
if the opportunity presents itself, we would love to adopt.
In the midst of going through
the foster licensing process, I started feeling like something physically was
not right again. More doctor’s appointments and more tests, led to the
discovery of a new female problem that will endanger our chances at having a
baby. I have most recently been diagnosed with the beginning stages of uterine
prolapse. This only gets worse over time. Surgery is the only real fix, but
most of the time surgery for this means a hysterectomy. My OB/GYN sat Michael
and I down and told us that if we wanted to have a baby, it truly is now or
never because this only gets worse. We could risk a surgery, but she highly
advises us to get pregnant as soon as possible, so that we can correct it later
by the necessary means. Both my OB/GYN and our Reproductive Endocrinologist are
in agreement that now is the best time.
This latest diagnosis has
been the hardest to deal with. This is not just a doctor guessing this time,
this is truly my body telling us that it has gone through enough and it is time
to move forward. We are thankful that we have two amazing doctors behind us.
They are both very confident that it is early enough that we can have a
successful IVF and that I could carry a successful pregnancy.
We have prayed and prayed
about our situation and asked for God’s direction. Our RE doctor and her team
have very generously given us a significant discount so that we can try to make
this IVF happen as soon as possible. They are giving us almost half off of the
services for IVF! This is very rarely seen. Our doctor has also been advocating
for us by trying to get our medications donated (thankfully, because these can
cost $1,800-$10,000 per IVF cycle). This is a huge blessing, and we can see God
moving mountains already! Now, we are trying everything possible to come up
with the appx. $7,000 (not including meds) needed to have our little Baby Knox.
As I mentioned previously,
speaking out about this was something that has taken me a long time to do. I
have been open about our journey to those I felt comfortable enough with, but
it isn’t something that I have wanted broadcasted to everyone. I am always
worried about what people will think of me. After hearing the advice of a
fellow infertility sister (thank you Alexis!), and then my sister Kristi
setting up a fundraising page to try to help us, we felt that it was time to
speak out and share our journey. It made me realize that I shouldn’t be afraid.
People who truly know Michael and I will see our hearts and know that our
desire to have a family is deeper than any fear. I will do anything to be a
Mother. My heart aches that I haven’t been able to give my Husband a child, or
my parents a Grandchild. I don’t know who I am if I can’t be a Mother.
My body has gone through so
much, but it doesn’t even compare to the heartbreak that infertility brings. It
has changed me as a person and it has more than tested my faith. It has tested
and strengthened my marriage and I honestly could not have come this far if it
weren’t for my faith and Michael and a few wonderful people along the way (you
know who you are) who have encouraged me to never give up hope.
With each surgery, we were
warned that they might not able to save my ovary. Yet each and every surgery,
God has continued to show us that our story isn’t finished. I cannot even count
the amount of times that I have heard a doctor say “you are too young for
this.” People have said, “just adopt and have a hysterectomy and everything
will be better.” Well my friend, it isn’t that easy. God has placed this desire
on my heart in such a strong way and until he tells us different, we will not
give up the fight.
I am not sure who will read
this, if anybody. But my prayer is that it at least touches you to have faith,
no matter your circumstances. It only takes a little bit of faith, and God will
carry you through anything. He is always there and His plans are better than
anything we could ever imagine. I know God is putting us in this position for a
reason. And we will continue to have faith that our journey is not over.
And please, if you know
anyone struggling through infertility, just be there to lend an ear to listen or
be a shoulder to cry on. Everyone’s battle is different. There isn’t a simple
fix for everyone. Telling them to “quit trying and it will happen”, or “you
should just adopt” or “be thankful you don’t have kids” is not going to help
them. Infertility can feel dark and lonely, but it helps to know that they are
not alone.
Michael and I may be under limited time, but we still
believe that God can bring a miracle out of this situation. If you feel
compelled to donate, you can do so here http://www.gofundme.com/JourneytoBabyKnox,
we cannot thank you enough!!!
If you simply wish to share our story, thank you times a million! Either way,
we ask that you pray for us during our journey to having Baby Knox. Thank you
for taking the time to read our story! And thank you Kristi, for the push you
gave to share our journey and for all you are doing for us!
