Seeking God's Path and Finding the Light + Mini Update

This blog gives me the unique ability to share the words that God has put on my heart. I woke up this morning feeling thankful for this, and hope that this will speak to you in some way.

Our fertility journey has been extremely eye opening for me in many ways. I try to keep a positive outlook and tell myself that our situation is only a phase in life, but it has worn on my emotions and has tested my faith. There is so much negativity in the world and I have always felt that I should keep my ranting to myself...and my Hubby - ha-ha! :-) But if I am being truly honest, this journey has been super hard at times. Every tear I have shed in this journey has shown me more of who I am, who my husband is, and most importantly who God is. 

One of the hardest things for me has been realizing that not everyone will understand and support our decisions in this type of a situation. This is a big reason why I have been hesitant to share our fertility journey. What will people say? What will people think of me/us? This can be very consuming for me, as I am a people pleaser. I always want to make everyone happy. When you put yourself out there, you not only find who is there to support you (this has been a HUGE blessing!), but you also find out who is not there...silence can speak volumes. 

No matter what your struggle in life is, I am sure that some people can relate to the feeling of wanting others approval. During my prayer time this morning, it hit me…who am I living for? I have spent 28 years seeking approval from the world and in reality, that doesn’t matter. I choose to keep my focus on God and not let negative thoughts consume me.

"For, am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10 

This morning, God reminded me that His approval is all I need. It is all we need. I believe that God has a miraculous plan for us, and out of this journey will come many blessings. Our hope is that others will be blessed in this, not just us.

We chose to follow God’s plan for our lives, and continually seek His approval. After all, He has a purpose for leading us down this path to building our family. Only He knows why. Sharing our journey has been such a whirlwind. Writing has always been an outlet for me and I pray that my honesty can help someone else who is struggling. 

As tears stream down my face, I can honestly say that in this moment, I am thankful for each and every struggle in my life…including our journey to building a family. I NEVER thought I would say this! The depth of my faith in God is more than I have ever imagined possible. There is a sense of freedom that comes when you finally let go of wanting life to be perfect. 

From a very young age, I learned that nothing in life was guaranteed. Life was far from perfect and I was forced to grow up much faster than other kids my age. It seemed as though nothing came easy and my only stability came from God. Whether I was at Church regularly or not, I always knew God was there. God’s presence always felt like an invisible security blanket that He wrapped me in. He brought me through so much, and saved me in more ways than I can describe. Growing up, I dreamed of a future with a wonderful Husband (check!) and lots of babies. I dreamed of being the perfect wife and Mommy, wanting to spend my life serving my family. When I married Michael, I thought I had surely paid my dues in the life department and that life could maybe settle down a little bit now. But God had a different plan. 

Each step in our journey has felt like a new lesson in life. Each and every surgery and diagnosis has allowed us to lean on God and each other more. Continually seeking His direction has not always been easy. But who am I to question God’s plan for my life? Each day that passes and we haven’t started IVF, I wonder if we will miss our chance of having a baby…I know God is there. I think about the sweet babies in foster care that we dream of helping and I question why we would have gotten this far in the process only to come to a screeching halt. I know God is there.

No matter what you are struggling with, I encourage you to seek God in your journey. Ask for His guidance in your decisions. Remember to give grace to those who may say the wrong thing to you. This can be really hard, but I find (most of the time, at least) they are just grasping to find the right words of wisdom. If someone ends up saying the wrong thing, forgive him or her and move on. If someone you love is not there to support you, forgive them. Their silence may just mean that they don’t know what to say or how to help you. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Maybe they are not strong enough to help hold you up when you need it the most. Try to fix your focus on God and not on those who aren’t there for you. Humans are not perfect, but God is. Showing them love and Grace will help you feel better. Focusing on the negative only makes you feel worse.

Life can be quite a crazy ride; it is full of uncertainties, tragedy, heartbreak and it can leave you with a lot of questions. But life is also beautiful. If you are searching, there is always a light in the darkest of times. It may be small at times, but it is there. Choosing to focus on that light is where the beauty lies.

Holding onto hope that God has a plan for us to build a family is how I go on. God instilled this dream in me for a reason. As long as there is breath in my lungs, I chose to believe in God's promises, and hold onto hope, wherever this journey may take us. 

Mini update, but huge news: We hit 50% of our goal for IVF on our GoFundMe page: (www.gofundme.com/journeytobabyknox) !!! HUGE blessing!!! We are elated! We could not be more amazed and more thankful to each and every person who is helping make this possible! I wish I could hug every single person who has been so kind and generous to us! Thank you, thank you!!! Almost there! :-) Also had another phone appointment with our patient care coordinator, getting everything in order so that we can be ready to go when we have enough to pay our fees to the clinic. #PrayingforBabyKnox