I wanted to start off by apologizing for the major delay in writing this blog post. The last few months have been quite the roller coaster of emotions for us and as you read on I am sure you will understand. I have struggled for a while in not knowing quite what to say or how to word this post. I find it so important to be positive in life. I want to inspire people, not bring them down. But the truth is, positivity has been a bit of a struggle for me lately. Our faith has been put to the test in more ways than one...again.
Our IVF Journey
In my last post, I was elated to announce that we were preparing for our IVF journey. In mid January, our fees were paid to our doctor, my medications began arriving, and we patiently awaited our first baseline ultrasound. We knew going into this process that it would be a bit tricky. Most people are not going through an IVF with a two month old newborn baby at home, but we felt as though we were doubly blessed to have our sweet foster baby in our life AND have the chance to possibly conceive our baby Knox! With our doctor being in San Francisco (a 45-ish mile drive) and a no children allowed fertility clinic, we were so thankful to have the help of a few amazing friends who were kind enough to be "on call" and watch our sweet Charlotte for my many appointments ahead.
On January 25th, 2015 our IVF journey had officially begun! I remember sitting in that first appointment, waiting to see my doctor and I cried. Tears of joy flooded my eyes as I thought about every single person that helped us get to that point. Every person that prayed for us, supported us, shared our story and those who donated (big and small) to give us this major blessing! What a journey this had been, and it seemed to be just beginning. As I heard footsteps outside of the door, I quickly dried my eyes and tried to compose myself. Then my doctor walked in and gave me a hug saying that she was really happy that we were able to get to this point and that she was hoping and praying for the best for us. I cried again as I thanked her for all she had done and told her how incredibly excited and thankful we were to have been given this chance. The chance we never thought we would get. The baseline ultrasound showed that everything was "ready" and I got the green light to start the stimulation meds that night. The nurse gave me my calendar and a huge bag of stimulation medications and we were off, ready to start our IVF journey.
I have never been so excited to see a bunch of needles in my entire life! I mean, I usually would never volunteer to get stuck with a needle, but I was elated! My poor Hubby, being terrified of needles, was not nearly as excited to see the mountain of medications, hehe! Thank God he didn't need to touch any of them! :-) I set up what felt like an entire pharmacy on our dresser and prepared for my 4-6 injections a day.
Below is the partial supply of my stimulation meds. The majority of the injections were stored in the fridge and then the last 4 days of stimulation, I had to get more meds from my doctor because I ran out.
I won't lie, I was pretty fearful of my first set in injections. My hands shook and I felt sick to my stomach. I was terrified that I didn't mix something right and that somehow I would mess up this $4,500 (or more) worth of medication that our doctor so generously donated to us. I sat there for probably 20 minutes with the first needle at my tummy, waiting to plunge it into my skin. For a moment, I thought, "I can't do this, what was I thinking?!" Then I told myself, "Labor will be much harder than this! You want a baby? Suck it up and do it already!" In went the first needle and I more than survived. :-)
I continued on with my stimulation meds and developed a little routine in the process. Every night at 9:00 pm I would take my meds out of the fridge, go upstairs and take a bubble bath to relax and get myself in a calm state of mind. The best part about that time was being able to listen to Michael spend time with Charlotte downstairs. Many nights during my bath I cried because I was so thankful. Thankful to hear the sweet cooing (and sometimes crying ;-)) of Charlotte after years of not knowing if we would ever have the blessing of those beautiful sounds being a part of our home soundtrack. I felt so thankful to have such a wonderful, God-loving and supportive Husband...thankful that my Husband is as amazing of a Father as I knew he would be....and thankful that our baby Knox just might be on his or her way soon!
Bad news and more bad news
Each and every doctor appointment consisted of an ultrasound and blood work to insure that my single little partial ovary was producing healthy and maturing follicles. The first visit they counted 7 follicles, which was a great number for me! The next few visits looked like everything was still progressing, except for a little problem they found on visit three. I was diagnosed with a dermoid cyst (terratoma) in my ovary...this is the same type of tumor that I lost my right ovary to at age 16. The doctor insisted that it was still small enough that I would be able to have a healthy pregnancy and then worry about getting it removed afterwards. Well, okay then. We will deal with that later! Then on February 3rd (my 4th check-up) I was told that I only had two or three follicles that were looking good and that Michael and I should consider "abandoning this cycle" and starting over next month. I was devastated to get this news to say the least! By this point, after four appointments, four ultrasounds, four blood draws and using 10 days worth of stimulation meds, there was NO way we could afford to start over! This is it for us. We had ONE chance at this, that's it! Starting over was not an option. Since our doctor wasn't available that day and I was seeing a different doctor, I painfully waited until the next day to speak with our doctor to get her opinion of how my body was progressing and what our options were.
After this appointment, I had picked up Charlotte and headed home to wait and pray. Well, not an hour after I walked in the door, I got a call from Charlotte's social worker. She informed me that there was a cousin of her biological Mother that is perusing custody of her and that once this relative gets prepared and screened, they will be transitioning her to their home. Since we are just the foster parents, biological family gets "first dibs" and we don't have a say about it. The social worker also mentioned that we needed to schedule a visit as soon as possible so that she and this relative can get acquainted. I hung up the phone and it felt like my heart was shattered into a million little pieces. We brought her home at just two days old...with her hospital anklet and her umbilical cord still attached...we were the first ones to care for her, to soothe her cries, to wipe her tears, to care for her when she had her first cold, to hear her first laughs, and to be up with her for countless hours while she was trying to get use to this big new world. None of that mattered to the County or to this family member and we didn't have a choice. Now let me just say that we knew going into concurrent planning (foster care with intent to adopt) was going to be tricky with our emotions. You are essentially on a parallel track of moving towards adoption while the County attempts to place them back with their family. We weren't sure if we would be able to do it more than once, but we wanted to help these helpless children. We owed it to them and ourselves to give it a try. However, from the very first call asking if we wanted her, they said, "do you want to adopt a brand new baby girl?" We didn't expect to be told or asked that so soon in the process. We didn't expect for them to tell us to "go ahead and name her because you will be able to change it legally when you adopt her." We also didn't expect for multiple people with the County to tell us that this was a for sure adoption and it seemed to be an easy slam dunk and a best case scenario for us. Maybe it was ignorant of us, but we trusted what they said and truly thought she was ours. This hit us like a ton of bricks!
Even though that day felt like our world was crashing in around us, Michael and I both felt that God was bigger than all of it! If He brought us this far, He wouldn't just let it all crash down, right?! That afternoon our good friend and Worship Pastor Joshua called Michael and I separately to pray with us and let us know that we had everyone's support. He also said that all of our friends wanted to rally around us and pray for us for everything we were facing. I can truly say that his phone call that day filled Michael and I back up with the hope we needed. Everything wasn't fixed or made better, but knowing that we had the love and support of so many great people, gave us the endurance to continue to push through these obstacles that were being tossed into our path. God wasn't finished yet.
Things are looking up
The next day I spoke with my doctor and she said that I should continue with the stim meds and we will give my body more time. Many women will have stopped their meds by this point in their cycle, taken their "trigger" shot to get their follicles in prime condition and ready for egg retrieval day. Well, as usual, my body has a mind of its own. I was taking much longer than most for my body to respond. Thankfully, my next appointment confirmed that my follicles started growing again, and we were back on track. Finally, some good news! On February 7th's appointment, I got the green light to stop all stim meds, and administer my "trigger" shot at exactly 8:00pm that night. This timing was crucial, because exactly 36 hours from the trigger shot, they perform the egg retrieval. Up until this point, the only side effects I had from all of the meds was that I felt super tired...although having a newborn at home will do that to you too! :-) After the "trigger" shot, I woke up the next day super swollen and tender. Other than that, I felt great!
Below was my crazy looking calendar to prepare for egg retrieval day.
On Sunday (the day before egg retrieval) we were so thankful to be able to have Church and our surrounding Church family. It was such a bitter-sweet day for us. Being so excited for the next step with our IVF, yet being so devastated with the impending loss our our sweet Charlotte Grace. Worship time was especially emotional for both of us as we held Charlotte extra tight. After service our friends and a few of the pastors at our Church surrounded us in support, love and prayer. I cried as soon as we walked into that room seeing just how many people were there for us! Wow, what a humbling experience! Their prayers helped lift us up and show us that we weren't going through all of this alone. What an amazing thing that is! Again, we saw that God was bigger than our obstacles.
Bright and early on Monday morning (February 9th) our amazing friend Carrie was so kind to watch Charlotte for us. We dropped her off at something like 4:30am (!) and headed into the City for the big day! Michael and I were so very excited to see what was next in this journey. I was put under anesthesia for a very short time and woke up to the amazing news that they retrieved seven eggs! For my body and having only a small piece of one ovary left, seven was an amazing number! The process went smooth, other than being in some pain. But, as much as my body has been through already, I was oddly thankful for that pain. It meant that my body responded the way it was suppose to. We were discharged to go home a few hours later, picked up Charlotte and spent the rest of the day together at home as thankful as could be.
The next step was to wait to see if we were doing the embryo transfer on either day two, three or day five. It all depended on how our embryos were developing. The next day we got a call from an embryologist saying that all seven eggs fertilized (meaning the sperm properly penetrated the egg), but that four stopped growing and only three progressed into the next stage. We figured that three was still more than enough for us to have at least one healthy embryo, if not two or three. The day after that (February 11th) I got the call to tell us that our embryo transfer would be happening on that day. The embryologist informed us that of the three, only two of our embryos were "Grade A" (yes, they literally grade them) perfect embryos and the other one had fallen off of the normal growth pattern. I had to immediately rush to get ready, drop Charlotte off, pick up Michael at work and head to the doctors office. We were SO excited that I was about to be pregnant!
The retrieval process wasn't bad. The only tough part is that I had to go in with a full bladder while they poked and prodded and placed the embryos safely into their home (the uterus) for what we hoped would be the next 9 months. Our doctor said that since we were left with just two, and they were both perfect embryos, "lets put them both in and hope for the best." We were able to watch on the ultrasound screen as they placed the embryos in their place and we were given the first photo of our (hopefully) twins! Our doctor said, "as of right now, you are pregnant with twins." We were over the moon! Here is the photo of our little embies (embryos):
For over 6 years, we have tried everything to get pregnant. Many times we had even given up and stopped trying. We have started again, many times. Now with this IVF, we have tried everything. We can honestly say that we have given everything for the chance to have a family. The two (or so) weeks of "waiting" to see if our pregnancy continued successfully was some of the most special bonding time that Michael and I have ever had. The thought that we FINALLY had a baby of our own, growing inside of my body was the best feeling I had ever felt. Ever! The extreme exhaustion that I felt, the crazy enhanced sense of smell, the horribly painful tender boobs (sorry, but true!) and the little bit of nausea that I was experiencing was sure to be a good sign. Every day Michael kissed my tummy and we spent most of those two weeks talking about how incredibly blessed we were to be pregnant. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.
Some things in life just don't make sense
All of my symptoms continued to increase, so we thought that it was a good sign. I remember saying that if my light nausea suddenly changed into full on puking, it would be so amazing because then it would be a good sign of strong pregnancy hormones. Yeah...I HATE throwing up more than most things in this world, so that should tell you how bad I wanted to be pregnant. I mean, who prays for morning sickness?! Someone who is so over 6 years if infertility!
On February 23rd, I went in for my first blood pregnancy test. I called my doctor's office to get a refill of the progesterone medication that I would need to stay on through week ten of my pregnancy. The nurse said that she would call it in only if my pregnancy test came back positive. Well, a few hours later I got a call from the pharmacy that my prescription was back-ordered. I got so excited thinking that must mean that I was still pregnant because the nurse was only calling it in if my test was positive! So, I waited for my nurse to call with the test results for another few hours, excited that it was surely in our favor. I felt sick when my phone rang and I saw that it was her. This was it. Our entire future rested on this call. She proceeded to say, "well the test confirmed that you are still pregnant, but..." And my heart sank.....
I was still pregnant, but they were not pleased with the numbers. I was asked to do another blood test in two days. Sometimes the initial numbers are low, but that typically indicated that the patient is in the process of miscarrying. I was told that there was a 1% chance of this turning around for the better. The next two days were extremely difficult as we continued to try to process this news. I wanted to believe that God would turn this around for us, but I knew in my heart that it was time to say goodbye to our little babies that we got such a short amount of time with. Sure enough, the next test confirmed that I was miscarrying. I was instructed to stop all meds and wait to pass the pregnancy. We were left completely devastated...
Finding a way to move on
This is where the words get extremely difficult to write. There are no words for the disappointment and devastation that we are feeling. It is so frustrating that our one and only chance at IVF actually worked, but for whatever reason I miscarried. It actually worked for us but that didn't matter. Don't get me wrong, we are so thankful that we had this chance in the first place! But I not only miscarried, but we were also left with no healthy embryos to try again. We are done. Our chances are over.
I am always such a thinker and a planner and that is the way I tend to process loss and life. I over think and come up with a new plan to try to make sense of why something has happened...It's my way of moving on. But the truth is, that doesn't take away our pain or our questioning why. It feels like we have this gaping open wound and putting a tiny band aid on it won't stop the bleeding. We know that God is such a big God and we trust His plan more than anything. And for the first time, we are struggling with understanding what He is doing here.
Now, I am not trying to make this into a pity party because I know that many have suffered more loss than we can even imagine. I am speaking about our truth and what we know to be true right now, and right now life feels incredibly hard. This situation sucks and that is the truth! And no matter what anyone says or believes for us, the truth is that NO ONE can truly know what God's plan is for us. As much as we want to believe that we will have children one day if we don't give up....that just may not be what God wants for us. As hard is that is to fathom, as hard is that is to say...it is true. We have to give ourselves the chance to grieve over our losses first. And then we have to find a way to be content and happy, just as we are. Babies or no babies.
For many years I couldn't picture my life without being a Mother and I surely thought that "God would give me the desire of my heart." I mean, that what everyone tells you, right?! But the harsh reality is, He does not always do this. Sometimes He has a different plan than what we want. We don't know what God's plan is for our life right now, and we are learning to accept that it is okay to not know. We have to try to plan our life according to what we know about today and try to enjoy the blessings that that brings us in the mean time...The ONLY thing in life that I know is 100% sure and true is that I believe in a God that has brought me/us through so much. He has never left or forsaken us. Even in times like now when I am mad at him, I know He is there. We may not have been able to fully receive our miracle, but I have seen too many miracles to deny His goodness. Thankfully, God's love is unconditional and I know He can handle our anger right now. Because the truth of the matter is, we can't see around the corner like He can and we fully believe that someday it will all make sense.
I will share more later about our future plans, but for now I feel emotionally drained. Thank you for being patient with us in waiting for us to share our journey. Thank you for your continued prayers, love and support. Michael and I both spent much of this journey with overflowing happiness. We were so thankful to experience this process and have a chance at finally getting pregnant. For a short time, we got to experience that joy together. Though it ended way too soon, it gave us more happiness than words could ever describe.
From the bottom of our hearts,
Juliana & Michael
P.S.
We do still have Charlotte for the time being. We aren't sure how long we will have her and we won't know until they tell us it is time to transition her. It might be three weeks, but it might be a few more months. Though it is extremely hard waiting to lose her, we are trying to soak in every single moment we get with her. We ask that you join us in praying for her and for her future.
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